Heels and Hell
by WearerOfCapes
Summary: Richmond is messing with the occult. Again. He's looking for a demon, but when the Boosh tag along, they all get a lot more than they bargained for... T for language and whatnot. Title may change.
1. Sugar?

**A/N: Hello, friend. I felt like getting back to the world of The IT Crowd, so a crossover seemed good. I'm aware that this chapter is quite short, but I haven't figured everything out yet. This is just setup, really. The plot will be along soon, honestly, promise. I'm going to try to make it funny to start with, but there'll be darker bits, and bits of angst too. Yes, this story is random. But I hope you like it anyway :D**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Boosh or the Crowd. Unfortunately.**

Jen Barber sat at her desk, laboriously typing out an email with one finger. She still wasn't doing very well with the computers. Not that she really needed to. She left that to the others, and got on with being a Relationships Manager. Although, when she came to think of it, she wasn't entirely sure what _that_ entailed either. She'd found that she mostly dealt with complaints from the higher floors, passed them on to Moss and Roy, then sent _their_ complaints about the state of the computer network back to the upper floors. Oh, and, of course, dealing with Moss and Roy themselves. Which was what she was doing now, incidentally. They were busy in their own little worlds, not speaking to her. So she thought she could get through to them with an email. It wasn't very long. Jen liked straightforward and to-the-point.

_Moss and Roy_, it read, _you have five minutes of your lunch break left. If you don't stop playing chess with your computer and reading comics to get back to work, I'll remove your heads and put them on pikes as an example to future employees. Get on with it; I'm fed up of your muffled complaining at being beaten by Artificial Intelligence. Jen x_

She pressed send and heard Moss say:

"Oh, someone's emailed me. I'll be back to this game in a minute, Computer." There was a pause as he read it. "Roy, I think we'd better do some work."

"Oh, why bother? We're not appreciated for it. We might as well carry on." Roy moaned.

"Have you read the email Jen sent you?"

"No." There was another pause as he read it too. "Oh. Shite."

"Come on, I'm sure there's someone upstairs who needs us." They hurried out. Jen just heard Roy's mutters on the way out:

"That woman is a psychopath." She smiled anyway. Job done. Thank god for the internet.

* * *

Vince Noir was just waking up. When he thought about it, going to bed at four am had been a bad decision. And so had the many multi-coloured cocktails. And the awkward encounter with a girl half his age. At least he'd escaped being beaten up by her boyfriend. And he did get her number in the end, so it wasn't all bad. But he knew a much worse fate would wait for him when he got downstairs. Howard. It was half past one, and he should have been working in the shop four hours ago. He crept out of bed, squeezing his eyes shut against the light and the blinding pain coming from his head. He got dressed and had a drink, feeling a little bit better. Then he slipped on some sunglasses and headed downstairs to face Howard's wrath. When he peered into the shop, Howard was sitting at the counter organising Stationery Village. He sauntered in and said:

"Alright, Howard." Howard ignored him. "Howard? Oi, Howard. Howard!"

"Bugger off." Howard said.

"Oh, come on. Look, I'm sorry I'm so late. I was sleepin' off last night."

"Well, I told you not to go out!"

"Yeah, but since when have I listened to you?"

"Never; that's the problem!"

"Whatever."

"Yeah. _Whatever_. I've got a job for you."

"Oh, god." Howard thrust a bucket of water, a wiper, a sponge and a cloth at Vince. He took them reluctantly. "What are these for?" He asked.

"Go outside and clean the windows. They need doing."

"Yeah, great." He mooched outside and put the steel bucket down on the pavement with a clatter, dunked the sponge in the water and began wiping the window. Howard carried on with Stationery Village, but soon ran out of things to do and was driven to turning all the paperclips around so they all faced the same way. This would bore anyone, and even he got fed up of it after a few moments. He sighed and gave up.

* * *

Jen, knowing the main office was now empty, left her own office and went to make a cup of tea. She added a generous amount of milk and several sugars, sat down on the sofa and sighed with relief. Peace and quiet. That was what she needed. A room to herself without Moss and Roy. Admittedly, they were her best friends, but they could get on her nerves. She sipped her tea, burnt her tongue, and put the mug down. Yes. She could just relax on her own here for a few minutes until they came back, and…

Her thoughts trailed off as she fell asleep.

A creak disturbed Jen's slumber, and she opened her eyes, yawning. The creak repeated. Hm. The boys must be back. She turned around. No one. Okay. This was odd. Another creak, then silence. She stood up and looked behind her. Still nothing. She picked up a nearby Guitar Hero controller, ready to give who or what-ever it was a good whack.

"Hello." Something said. She screamed and spun around… to face Richmond. She put down the plastic guitar.

"Oh, Richmond, it's you. You scared me."

"Oh. Sorry." He blinked his heavily lined eyes at her and said: "Have you got any sugar?"

"Sugar? Why?"

"I'm trying to bribe a demon up from the underworld."

"Um… okay. Can I ask why?"

"I was hoping for three wishes."

"I thought that was genies?"

"Oh, not for Goths. A genie would never be seen with a Goth. No, we have to use complex rituals to summon demons if we want wishes."

"Ah. Well, the sugar's in the blue bowl."

"Thank you." Richmond went over to the counter where the kettle was, then back through the red door. Jen was slightly alarmed to see a shaky pentagram drawn on the floor and a few black candles dotted about. Then the door was closed and she was left wondering what on earth he was doing. She looked over to see how much sugar he had taken, noticing that the entire bowl was gone. That was it. She went back into her office, abandoning her now-cold tea. She could have peace and quiet in there. Richmond was just too creepy.

**Not very much Boosh in this chapter, but there'll be more soon. I'd love a review, you cheeky minxes ;)**

**Much love xxx**


	2. What's going on?

**A/N: I got it up on time, hell yeah. I think there's more Boosh in this chapter, and more in general. I actually really enjoyed writing this, because it's a bit madcap and a bit random and not really that funny but not dark like everything else I write. So yeah. I hope you like it too :)**

**Disclaimer: Nothing is mine. NOTHING.**

Vince was bored. Cleaning windows. Honestly, what did Howard think he was? Thank god he was nearly finished. He wiped the sponge over the last spot and watched absent-mindedly as the bubbles slid down the window. There were shapes in them, and he watched for them like he was dreaming. Suddenly, a car screeched past, and he was dragged out of his daydream, wiping the bubbles away and trying to get rid of the streaks. They wouldn't go away, and he knew Howard would moan when he saw them, but he had better things to do than clean windows. He chucked the remainder of the water into the drain on the roadside and went back inside with the empty bucket and sponge. Howard was organising the clothes on the rack, pulling faces as he looked at the trendy neon leggings on display. He looked up as Vince entered.

"Are you finished?" He asked.

"Yeah." Vince replied grumpily.

"Have you done it properly?"

"Yes, Howard."

"Are you sure?"

"Oh, piss off." Vince dumped the bucket by the storeroom door and shoved the damp sponge inside it. Howard gave him a disapproving look, but was thoroughly ignored.

"I'm going to check you've done it right." He said. Vince didn't reply, just sat down with his latest issue of Cheekbone. There was something on the front about geek chic being on the rise again, but Howard couldn't really care less. He went outside to look at the windows, and found himself, totally against his will, quite impressed. He'd actually done a good job. Blimey. Howard's brain went onto overdrive trying to work out how this had happened, but drew a blank. He went back inside, still stunned, and said to Vince:

"You did it properly." Vince rolled his eyes at Howard's stunned expression, but couldn't quite suppress his grin.

"Course I did."

"Why?"

"I 'ad nothing better to do."

"So whenever I want you to do something properly from now on, I just have to make sure you're bored."

"No, I'm not doin' it again!"

"I was joking."

"Anyway, I was trying to make up for being so late. Doesn't mean I hated it any less, though."

"Alright, then. Are you going to help me anymore?"

"Do I 'ave to?"

"Well, I'd like someone to sort the clothes out for me. The glitter's making my eyes hurt." Vince put down his magazine and considered it for a moment.

"Oh, alright then."

"Thanks."

"S'alright."

* * *

Moss and Roy arrived back from upstairs after finding no one really needed them, and sat back in the exact same positions they had been in before. Moss continued his game of chess, and Roy picked up his comic, jiggling his head to some beat in his head. Moss frowned at him.

"Roy? What are you doing?"

"What? I'm not doing anything!"

"Yes you are. You're moving your head."

"Oh, man. Can't I move my head now?"

"Yes, but you look weird."

"Says you." Moss ignored this comment and carried on.

"You look like you're trying to play the drums with your head."

"I'm listening to music in my head."

"Wow, now that's the worst excuse in the world!"

"You know, when you've heard a song and you can remember it so you sort of play it back to yourself in your head?"

"No."

"You must do." Moss considered the possibility this time.

"No." He eventually decided, shaking his head. Roy sighed and went back to his comic. A few minutes later, there was a noise, like a strong wind. He looked up. It happened again. And it sounded like it was coming from behind him. From behind the red door. For a few minutes there was silence, during which he stared intently at the door. Moss was absorbed in his chess game. Then there was another sound, a clatter, and what sounded like Richmond yelping. Roy raised his eyebrows, shook his head, and turned around.

"Y'know what?" He muttered to himself. "I don't even want to know."

* * *

It was nearly closing time when Vince finished organising the clothes, putting them in order of how glittery they were. Howard looked at his watch and said:

"Shall we close up a few minutes early?"

"Yeah." Vince agreed. "Naboo'll never know." Just then, there was a creak from upstairs, and the shaman himself came down, followed by Bollo.

"Speak of the devil." Howard muttered. Naboo stopped in the middle of the shop floor and looked around.

"What's up, Naboo?" Vince asked.

"What are you two doin' down 'ere?" Naboo asked suspiciously.

"Nothing. Well, not much, anyway." Howard replied. "Why?"

"Cause I'm gettin' some seriously weird readin's upstairs."

"Like what?"

"Like this." He held up his crystal ball, and Vince jumped back. The image of a large blue eye was visible on the ball, distorted by the sphere.

"Jesus! What is that?"

"It's an eye, you muppet." Naboo said disparagingly. "And I can't get rid of it. Don't matter where I go, it's still there." Vince tapped the ball gently and the eye disappeared, to be replaced with the image of a small room, containing some weird piece of machinery, a bed, a bookshelf, and a tiny desk. Naboo looked at Vince like he was shocked he had been able to help, then frowned at the crystal ball.

"What is that?" Bollo asked.

"I dunno, you daft ape." He studied the ball closely, turning it around, but the image stayed still.

"Was that the only thing that happened?" Vince asked.

"No, some of my potions 'ave boiled away. My hookah's disappeared, and Bollo's fur went all static a few minutes ago, 'e looked like a bog brush."

"Did not." Bollo sulked.

"And there's a weird signal thing comin' through from down here."

"Coming through on what?"

"My brain."

"Well, it's not us. Can you tell where it's coming from?"

"Maybe, if I think about it." He handed the crystal ball to Bollo, who handed it to Vince, who put it down on the counter and didn't notice as it rolled over the edge. Naboo caught it, a scowl on his face, and put it on the shelves where it was safe. Then he closed his eyes and became still. They all waited for a few minutes, before Bollo got fed up and walked across the room to stand next to Vince near the storeroom.

"He gone insane." He muttered.

"I'll say." Vince replied. He looked at the gorilla and grinned, trying not to laugh. But his grin quickly turned into a frown as he watched Bollo's hair begin to stand on end.

"What happened?" Bollo asked. Vince turned to Naboo.

"Naboolio? Bollo's gone static again." Naboo opened his eyes and looked.

"I knew it was comin' from the storeroom." He went over, and they followed him as he opened the door. They stopped. In the back of the storeroom was a large oval of spinning blackness, punctuated with regular flashes of white light that glimmered into existence then died out. The sight stunned them into silence for a while, but Vince wasn't good at silence. He was the first to recover.

"What the fuck is that?" He asked matter-of-factly. He looked at Naboo, who replied:

"It looks like a portal, but god knows where to." He dragged his eyes away for a moment and saw, just below the edge of the oval, something odd.

There was a blue sugar bowl sitting on the floor.

* * *

The noises in the office were continuing, and if anything, getting louder. Roy called Jen in to listen, and she said:

"Oh, it's probably Richmond. He said he was planning to summon a demon."

"And that doesn't worry you?"

"No, he won't do any harm."

"I'm not so sure."

"Oh, you just don't like him. What if it was me who was trying to do it? Would you be worried then?"

"More so."

"Oh, you're such a-" Roy didn't get to hear Jen's choice of insult, because the red door flew open and Richmond dashed out of his room, slamming the door behind him.

"Richmond, what's the matter?" Jen asked.

"Well," He replied breathlessly, "I don't want to alarm you, but there's a gorilla in my room, and he's trying to give me the sugar back."

**We're all set up and ready to get on with the actual plot. Good. I hope you enjoyed it and please give me a review if you want because I like to know what people think of my stuff.**

** Also, I am now on tumblr, same name, so if anyone wants to come stalk me, that's cool. But I don't mind if you don't. Anyway, goodbye.**

**Much love xxx**


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